I am, quite possibly, falling in love.

How quickly things change

I am extremely ashamed of my conduct in the past two weeks regarding a young man at my workplace. Basically, we went out, I suddenly decided I liked him immensely, and I let him toy with me and my emotions for the past two weeks. I was completely blinded by him and felt as though I had been dangling on a thread, jerked back and forth, toyed with. Yet I still gave him the benefit of the doubt - maybe he's busy, maybe he's not sure if I like him, maybe...

I am constantly reminded of He's Just not that into You, which I read the first time I was in Italy. Basically, I shouldn't have to wonder if he likes me. If he does, he'll show me. Yet there I was, doing my darndest to remind him that I liked him and wanted to go out with him. This behavior now repulses me.

It kind of hit me when Genevieve said that if he doesn't adore me, then he's not worth it. I knew for a fact he didn't adore me. I do want a guy who adores me, and he barely showed that he liked me. Except at midnight on a Saturday night (red flag).

Yesterday morning, I insulted him half-intentionally because he removed me from his friends lists on one of the online profile sites. He claimed it had nothing to do with me, he was "keeping a low profile." Although deep down I knew that he was a jerk (if he adored me, there's no way he'd take me off of there), I apologized profusely and asked him to call me.

Another reason I am ashamed of myself. I apologized to him? Why? I didn't do anything wrong. Since when am I "Desperate Debbie"? I definitely have come off as such.

Needless to say, yesterday morning I was hopeless. Trying not to cry. Feeling worthless and uninspired by the bleak, gray world.

Well, last night I went to the movies with someone I knew in school and had a really great time. I felt that we clicked very well, and his job is the same as mine, so we already have that in common. Today I'm meeting someone who I already know is interested in long-term relationships and wants to treat women with respect (another story for another time). I am also talking to an old friend who I happened to find out has a lot in common with me and is doing very well. And another... with whom I might play racquetball.

All of these things came up in one day. I'm not really out seeking, but I happened to find these opportunities anyway. Maybe things really do happen for a reason. Maybe God does close the door, but open a window (or five). All I know is, things changed a lot in 24 hours. I can't believe I even liked this other guy to begin with. I was swept up in fantasies and daydreams, but it turns out I like reality much better.

KIssed by Bam Bam

Yes, last night I was kissed by Bam Bam. Or at least, kissed by a very handsome man dressed as Bam Bam for Halloween. I had decided early on that he would be extremely kissable, but I know enough about his personality to not want to take it any further. When I left, he kissed me. It was short, he was sweet, and he was very good.

I realized today that I love kissing. I crave kissing like a man craves getting laid. It's incredibly sensual, intimate, and each person's kiss has a distinct personality. I love when it gives me goosebumps or butterflies.