I think I am depressed. I cry at the drop of a hat. I go to extremes as resolutions to problems. I let one misplaced comment from a loved one ruin my day. My dishes sit in the sink for days, my laundry on the table for a week. On the weekends, 10 hours is not enough sleep to chase away the fatigue. I don't want to go to work, and I get frequent headaches. It is now almost 3PM, and I've eaten two pieces of chocolate and 2 pieces of string cheese. And it's not like I haven't been home.

Sometimes I feel like life would be easier if everything would fall apart. I could leave and start over. But why? I have a fiance, a house, and a job that I believe I have stability with, as well as a family that loves me.

But what do I do? Antidepressants would possibly lower my sex drive (which is pretty much nonexistent as it is) or make me gain weight. Neither of those things are options I want to face. But I'm right, aren't I? This is depression? I don't know what else could make me cry for four hours because someone said something they thought was funny (but wasn't).

I need help, but I don't know how to get it. I don't want to see a doctor because I'll just sit there and cry in his/her office. That won't get me anywhere.

Anyway, I'm kind of lost. I'm getting married in two months, and I'm hoping it goes away by then. I'm actually afraid I'll ruin our wedding day...

I am, quite possibly, falling in love.

How quickly things change

I am extremely ashamed of my conduct in the past two weeks regarding a young man at my workplace. Basically, we went out, I suddenly decided I liked him immensely, and I let him toy with me and my emotions for the past two weeks. I was completely blinded by him and felt as though I had been dangling on a thread, jerked back and forth, toyed with. Yet I still gave him the benefit of the doubt - maybe he's busy, maybe he's not sure if I like him, maybe...

I am constantly reminded of He's Just not that into You, which I read the first time I was in Italy. Basically, I shouldn't have to wonder if he likes me. If he does, he'll show me. Yet there I was, doing my darndest to remind him that I liked him and wanted to go out with him. This behavior now repulses me.

It kind of hit me when Genevieve said that if he doesn't adore me, then he's not worth it. I knew for a fact he didn't adore me. I do want a guy who adores me, and he barely showed that he liked me. Except at midnight on a Saturday night (red flag).

Yesterday morning, I insulted him half-intentionally because he removed me from his friends lists on one of the online profile sites. He claimed it had nothing to do with me, he was "keeping a low profile." Although deep down I knew that he was a jerk (if he adored me, there's no way he'd take me off of there), I apologized profusely and asked him to call me.

Another reason I am ashamed of myself. I apologized to him? Why? I didn't do anything wrong. Since when am I "Desperate Debbie"? I definitely have come off as such.

Needless to say, yesterday morning I was hopeless. Trying not to cry. Feeling worthless and uninspired by the bleak, gray world.

Well, last night I went to the movies with someone I knew in school and had a really great time. I felt that we clicked very well, and his job is the same as mine, so we already have that in common. Today I'm meeting someone who I already know is interested in long-term relationships and wants to treat women with respect (another story for another time). I am also talking to an old friend who I happened to find out has a lot in common with me and is doing very well. And another... with whom I might play racquetball.

All of these things came up in one day. I'm not really out seeking, but I happened to find these opportunities anyway. Maybe things really do happen for a reason. Maybe God does close the door, but open a window (or five). All I know is, things changed a lot in 24 hours. I can't believe I even liked this other guy to begin with. I was swept up in fantasies and daydreams, but it turns out I like reality much better.

KIssed by Bam Bam

Yes, last night I was kissed by Bam Bam. Or at least, kissed by a very handsome man dressed as Bam Bam for Halloween. I had decided early on that he would be extremely kissable, but I know enough about his personality to not want to take it any further. When I left, he kissed me. It was short, he was sweet, and he was very good.

I realized today that I love kissing. I crave kissing like a man craves getting laid. It's incredibly sensual, intimate, and each person's kiss has a distinct personality. I love when it gives me goosebumps or butterflies.

Broken dreams

I really haven't been making use of this blog, which is a shame. Part of the problem is that I'm incredibly busy, and another part of the problem is that every time I do try to write, it comes out negative.

I HAVE been busy, with school. It's insane, how much work it is. Today I was at the school until 5:30 (even though it ends at 2), and I still have grading to do. With parent phone calls, athletic eligibility, grade reports, secondary (special ed) reports, referrals, intervention logs, grading, planning, copying, updating attendance records, managing thespians, and more... the work never ends. Even my Sunday was spent grading and inputting data from common assessments (8 hours Sunday!).

On top of that, I've been trying to work out every other day or so. I haven't been doing too badly, but still haven't reached the habit that I'd like to have.

At least relationships aren't factoring into the problem. Which brings me back to negativity, of course. I was just sort of dumped again recently. I had been trying not to consider us official in the first place, but that doesn't make it any easier. The guy was lazy. It took so much coaxing and prodding to get him up off his couch. I was always expected to drive out to him, even on my busy weekdays when the 20 minute drive each way, totaled half of my day's free time. He didn't put any effort in the relationship, and I knew I couldn't be with him in the long run. For other reasons too. So why's that so much of a problem?

Well, all of my friends have moved to Chicago or further (one, to Thailand!). I have nobody here anymore, except one person. When she is busy, that leaves me feeling incredibly lost and alone. It makes me reconsider everything. My life seems so monotonous and boring. I need some excitement! So I'm thinking of teaching abroad somewhere, but that would mean possibly giving up my job. I'm also thinking of going to school for library science, but that may mean leaving my district, which I'm not all that happy about either. So many choices, and so unsure about what the heck I want to do!

All I know is, I'm not happy. I work, I go home, I work some more, and I go to bed. Is that really what life is supposed to be like?

Time to move

Today I finally decided to get rid of Jamie's old army fatigue jacket. I was going through my things and I came across it in the closet. I'd thought about getting rid of it many times before, but I always found it too difficult. I'd pick of the jacket and my eye would catch his name on the front. The patches on the sides that say "airborne" would make me picture him overseas. The rough texture of the material would remind me that the very jacket probably soaked up his blood, sweat, and tears. And every time, I'd fold the jacket back up and put it away.

I think my problem was that Jamie was always something I could never have. While we were together, I would dream daily about what our life would be like once his deployment ended. Would we see each other every day? Every week? Would we fight a lot? Would we be happy together? Sadly, I never got those answers because I never saw him again (until recently). In the meantime, I saved his letters, his pictures, his jacket, because I felt that everything of his I had would only bring me closer to him. It was the only way I could feel connected to him. If I couldn't have him with me, at least I could have something he touched, something he wrote, something he saw.

Now that I've seen Jamie again and know that I want to have nothing to do with him, I think I may be able to throw away his jacket. And then I'll throw away the pictures. The "Half my Heart is in Afghanistan" car magnet. The Pez dispenser he bought for me before I saw him on his leave. The books I borrowed from him and never got the chance to return. The pages and pages of emails and letters that I still have saved. The last, sad letter that I wrote without the intentions of ever sending to him. Of course, no matter how many things I throw away, I'll always have the memories of the way I felt when I was with him -- the only remnants of our relationship that I wouldn't want to destroy.

I think that everything we go through transforms us in some way. Sometimes the results may seem negative, but with the negative comes something equally positive as well. I think Jamie helped me realize that I needed to become a stronger person. I will never again spend so much time crying over a man who wasn't giving me what I deserved. I will not put my heart so completely into something that may be nothing but a ruse on the other side. Because of him, I felt extremely weak, but became much stronger. I also learned how much love I could have for someone. That's something I haven't experienced again since him. I really only saw Jamie a few times, never for very long. But throughout these times, there seems to be an infinite number of moments my heart jumped at the way he looked at me. The way his eyes were so full of feeling, my eyes still tear up with I picture him. There was something in the way he looked at me that made me feel something completely new. Over emails, we shared so much intimate information about ourselves. Our fears, our tragedies, our hopes and dreams. I came to love him despite his many flaws. Not to mention, his incredible body and the feel of his strong arms around me, and his incredible sensuality which affected me in ways I cannot begin to describe. These are the memories I have of him, and will always have, even after the physical evidence of our relationship is long gone.

Dueling pianos

This weekend was especially fun. I did go out Friday night for a little while by myself and met up with a lot of people I knew. But Saturday was the big hit. I went with one of my good friends from school and all of her friends to a bar called Trio. Saturday night they had dueling pianos and a flat fee food-and-drink rate. I definitely didn't drink enough to make my $$ worth it, but I figured ahead of time that I probably wouldn't. That's better than drinking too much and driving home, however.
The piano players were particularly funny (and vulgar). They played and sang any song you requested, as long as they knew it. Sometimes instead of singing the actual lyrics, they'd substitute they're own. Like "Hey there vagina" instead of "Hey there Delilah," and "He had an itsy bitsy teeny weeny little sausage for a weenie..." or something like it. We all had a great time, and since we were a big party bringing in a lot of money, we got a lot of attention. Out of three large groups, the piano players nicknamed one the "senior citizens," another the "insomniacs," and us "girls gone wild." We were NOTHING like girls gone wild, of course, but it was fun nonetheless. I think the performers just liked that we had a bunch of young girls at our table!
Our waitress wasn't very bright, which was another reason we all didn't get our money's worth, along with the fact that our drinks were only about half as strong as they should have been. Or maybe I'm just used to places that load their drinks with alcohol to get big tips??

Definitely a good time though. We have to do it again!