I am, quite possibly, falling in love.

How quickly things change

I am extremely ashamed of my conduct in the past two weeks regarding a young man at my workplace. Basically, we went out, I suddenly decided I liked him immensely, and I let him toy with me and my emotions for the past two weeks. I was completely blinded by him and felt as though I had been dangling on a thread, jerked back and forth, toyed with. Yet I still gave him the benefit of the doubt - maybe he's busy, maybe he's not sure if I like him, maybe...

I am constantly reminded of He's Just not that into You, which I read the first time I was in Italy. Basically, I shouldn't have to wonder if he likes me. If he does, he'll show me. Yet there I was, doing my darndest to remind him that I liked him and wanted to go out with him. This behavior now repulses me.

It kind of hit me when Genevieve said that if he doesn't adore me, then he's not worth it. I knew for a fact he didn't adore me. I do want a guy who adores me, and he barely showed that he liked me. Except at midnight on a Saturday night (red flag).

Yesterday morning, I insulted him half-intentionally because he removed me from his friends lists on one of the online profile sites. He claimed it had nothing to do with me, he was "keeping a low profile." Although deep down I knew that he was a jerk (if he adored me, there's no way he'd take me off of there), I apologized profusely and asked him to call me.

Another reason I am ashamed of myself. I apologized to him? Why? I didn't do anything wrong. Since when am I "Desperate Debbie"? I definitely have come off as such.

Needless to say, yesterday morning I was hopeless. Trying not to cry. Feeling worthless and uninspired by the bleak, gray world.

Well, last night I went to the movies with someone I knew in school and had a really great time. I felt that we clicked very well, and his job is the same as mine, so we already have that in common. Today I'm meeting someone who I already know is interested in long-term relationships and wants to treat women with respect (another story for another time). I am also talking to an old friend who I happened to find out has a lot in common with me and is doing very well. And another... with whom I might play racquetball.

All of these things came up in one day. I'm not really out seeking, but I happened to find these opportunities anyway. Maybe things really do happen for a reason. Maybe God does close the door, but open a window (or five). All I know is, things changed a lot in 24 hours. I can't believe I even liked this other guy to begin with. I was swept up in fantasies and daydreams, but it turns out I like reality much better.

KIssed by Bam Bam

Yes, last night I was kissed by Bam Bam. Or at least, kissed by a very handsome man dressed as Bam Bam for Halloween. I had decided early on that he would be extremely kissable, but I know enough about his personality to not want to take it any further. When I left, he kissed me. It was short, he was sweet, and he was very good.

I realized today that I love kissing. I crave kissing like a man craves getting laid. It's incredibly sensual, intimate, and each person's kiss has a distinct personality. I love when it gives me goosebumps or butterflies.

Broken dreams

I really haven't been making use of this blog, which is a shame. Part of the problem is that I'm incredibly busy, and another part of the problem is that every time I do try to write, it comes out negative.

I HAVE been busy, with school. It's insane, how much work it is. Today I was at the school until 5:30 (even though it ends at 2), and I still have grading to do. With parent phone calls, athletic eligibility, grade reports, secondary (special ed) reports, referrals, intervention logs, grading, planning, copying, updating attendance records, managing thespians, and more... the work never ends. Even my Sunday was spent grading and inputting data from common assessments (8 hours Sunday!).

On top of that, I've been trying to work out every other day or so. I haven't been doing too badly, but still haven't reached the habit that I'd like to have.

At least relationships aren't factoring into the problem. Which brings me back to negativity, of course. I was just sort of dumped again recently. I had been trying not to consider us official in the first place, but that doesn't make it any easier. The guy was lazy. It took so much coaxing and prodding to get him up off his couch. I was always expected to drive out to him, even on my busy weekdays when the 20 minute drive each way, totaled half of my day's free time. He didn't put any effort in the relationship, and I knew I couldn't be with him in the long run. For other reasons too. So why's that so much of a problem?

Well, all of my friends have moved to Chicago or further (one, to Thailand!). I have nobody here anymore, except one person. When she is busy, that leaves me feeling incredibly lost and alone. It makes me reconsider everything. My life seems so monotonous and boring. I need some excitement! So I'm thinking of teaching abroad somewhere, but that would mean possibly giving up my job. I'm also thinking of going to school for library science, but that may mean leaving my district, which I'm not all that happy about either. So many choices, and so unsure about what the heck I want to do!

All I know is, I'm not happy. I work, I go home, I work some more, and I go to bed. Is that really what life is supposed to be like?

Time to move

Today I finally decided to get rid of Jamie's old army fatigue jacket. I was going through my things and I came across it in the closet. I'd thought about getting rid of it many times before, but I always found it too difficult. I'd pick of the jacket and my eye would catch his name on the front. The patches on the sides that say "airborne" would make me picture him overseas. The rough texture of the material would remind me that the very jacket probably soaked up his blood, sweat, and tears. And every time, I'd fold the jacket back up and put it away.

I think my problem was that Jamie was always something I could never have. While we were together, I would dream daily about what our life would be like once his deployment ended. Would we see each other every day? Every week? Would we fight a lot? Would we be happy together? Sadly, I never got those answers because I never saw him again (until recently). In the meantime, I saved his letters, his pictures, his jacket, because I felt that everything of his I had would only bring me closer to him. It was the only way I could feel connected to him. If I couldn't have him with me, at least I could have something he touched, something he wrote, something he saw.

Now that I've seen Jamie again and know that I want to have nothing to do with him, I think I may be able to throw away his jacket. And then I'll throw away the pictures. The "Half my Heart is in Afghanistan" car magnet. The Pez dispenser he bought for me before I saw him on his leave. The books I borrowed from him and never got the chance to return. The pages and pages of emails and letters that I still have saved. The last, sad letter that I wrote without the intentions of ever sending to him. Of course, no matter how many things I throw away, I'll always have the memories of the way I felt when I was with him -- the only remnants of our relationship that I wouldn't want to destroy.

I think that everything we go through transforms us in some way. Sometimes the results may seem negative, but with the negative comes something equally positive as well. I think Jamie helped me realize that I needed to become a stronger person. I will never again spend so much time crying over a man who wasn't giving me what I deserved. I will not put my heart so completely into something that may be nothing but a ruse on the other side. Because of him, I felt extremely weak, but became much stronger. I also learned how much love I could have for someone. That's something I haven't experienced again since him. I really only saw Jamie a few times, never for very long. But throughout these times, there seems to be an infinite number of moments my heart jumped at the way he looked at me. The way his eyes were so full of feeling, my eyes still tear up with I picture him. There was something in the way he looked at me that made me feel something completely new. Over emails, we shared so much intimate information about ourselves. Our fears, our tragedies, our hopes and dreams. I came to love him despite his many flaws. Not to mention, his incredible body and the feel of his strong arms around me, and his incredible sensuality which affected me in ways I cannot begin to describe. These are the memories I have of him, and will always have, even after the physical evidence of our relationship is long gone.

Dueling pianos

This weekend was especially fun. I did go out Friday night for a little while by myself and met up with a lot of people I knew. But Saturday was the big hit. I went with one of my good friends from school and all of her friends to a bar called Trio. Saturday night they had dueling pianos and a flat fee food-and-drink rate. I definitely didn't drink enough to make my $$ worth it, but I figured ahead of time that I probably wouldn't. That's better than drinking too much and driving home, however.
The piano players were particularly funny (and vulgar). They played and sang any song you requested, as long as they knew it. Sometimes instead of singing the actual lyrics, they'd substitute they're own. Like "Hey there vagina" instead of "Hey there Delilah," and "He had an itsy bitsy teeny weeny little sausage for a weenie..." or something like it. We all had a great time, and since we were a big party bringing in a lot of money, we got a lot of attention. Out of three large groups, the piano players nicknamed one the "senior citizens," another the "insomniacs," and us "girls gone wild." We were NOTHING like girls gone wild, of course, but it was fun nonetheless. I think the performers just liked that we had a bunch of young girls at our table!
Our waitress wasn't very bright, which was another reason we all didn't get our money's worth, along with the fact that our drinks were only about half as strong as they should have been. Or maybe I'm just used to places that load their drinks with alcohol to get big tips??

Definitely a good time though. We have to do it again!

Serious this time

I came online today, thinking I'd come up with something to post, and I came across this entry in someone else's blog. It brought me to tears. Now I can't think of anything in my own life that's important enough to write about. Eloquently written, full of depth and candid emotion, it's heartbreakingly sad.

One more thing

I forgot to add that I'm suspecting that I have some kind of desire to sabotage my prospects for romance. I want to fall in love. I really do. But any time I meet a guy, he's too short, he doesn't have a good enough job, he smokes, he drinks too much, he looks funny, he lives to far away... or some other random excuse.

I met a guy recently who wasn't my type. When my dad asked, "What is your type?" he was making a point that I don't like anyone I meet. So what is it? Am I afraid of something? Am I too picky?

An ant cemetery and a lot more

Soon we will have to give over our house to the ants. Every year when it gets warm, these critters invade our space. It doesn't matter how much we sweep or how much ant poison we put down, they always return. Today, after it rained outside, it was worse than it's ever been. These ants were swarming around two corners of a little 4-foot alcove of our family room, and marching back and forth between the two corners.


Before this, we were noticing dead ant corpses scattered around this area. When I was trying to figure out why, I found out that ants actually have cemeteries (although they're not called that) where they dispose of their family members' bodies. It's crazy what these ants are capable of, but it made sense! It's definitely NOT a cemetery now, though, as you can see.

Onto a more personal topic, I've finally been getting back into the swing of things after being on vacation, being depressed (vacation being over), and being sick with a cold. I worked out today and felt like I was going to die. I went to a group fitness class at my gym, where the room was full of about 20 women (mostly middle-age). I think I was the weakest one there. I was the only one I could see who stopped for a rest here and there. My arms were burning! I could only do about 2/3 of the ab exercises. Maybe if I keep going to this, I'll start looking more toned?

I've also read a couple more books: Stardust by Neil Gaiman and Where are the Children? by Mary Higgins Clark. Stardust was pretty good. I didn't get extremely attached to any of the main characters, as the narrator had an aloof, storytelling kind of voice. Where are the Children was sort of a typical novel that follows a popular reading recipe. Kind of predictable, not written in any superior way, but good for entertainment and the value of the story alone. It's about a woman whose children are kidnapped, and it reveals that she had children 7 years ago who were kidnapped and killed. She is accused of being their murderer. It really was an OK book. I read it in about 2 hours.

I'm not good with titles.

Apparently I have the alcohol tolerance of a five-year-old. Two nights ago (Wednesday), I hung out with Tiffany from Bar Louie. We were supposed to just go for a drink, but the one drink turned into one (or two) too many. The fact that I hadn't eaten anything all day may have factored into it.

All I know is, come 10:30 (I know - early!) and I was sick to my stomach in the bathroom. I have very vivid memories of Tiffany's shoes and jeans. I couldn't focus on anything that was higher than that. I felt like an idiot because I wasn't even trying to drink. The problem is that I love wine, and I kept drinking it without thinking about the alcohol content. And when I mentally cut myself off, someone else brought another glass to me. Which was nice, but unfortunately a bad idea.

"The wine urges me on, the bewitching wine, which sets even a wise man to singing and to laughing gently and rouses him up to dance and brings forth words which were better unspoken." —Homer

Earlier that day I was trying to get a job. I don't know what I'm going to do this summer! Ted's would take me back, but I wouldn't be able to make much there. They told me I wouldn't get the prime, money-making shifts, and Jenni told me she made a total of $40 in tips this week. Not enough! I stopped in at Bar Louie, and Randy said he'd call me by Wednesday to see if there's any room for me to join them there.

I think Bar Louie would be fun. It would be different for me! I know it's a little more about appearances, flirting, and drunks, but I think I would enjoy that more than the stiff, formal buttoned-up-to-the-collar Ted's experience. And if I ever have to close on a Friday or Saturday, sure I would have to stay there late (3am?), but I'd make between $200 and $300, according to Tiffany. Besides, I need to get myself out of granny-mode while I'm still young enough.

I've seen a lot of the girls (my nieces) lately. That's really great and all, but they've passed their colds to me. I woke up feeling terrible today and now am trying to fight it with Airborne and Zicam. I hope these things really do work.

Today is very humid. All day I've felt like I'm melting, but the temperature isn't even that high. I did a lot of running around; I went to the mall, looked at swimsuits at Macy's (since I lost mine in Sorrento, Italy), got a toffee-nut latte at Starbucks, went to Barnes and Noble, returned a movie at Blockbuster, and went to Best Buy. A few of those things are commentworthy...

The movie I returned at Blockbuster was Lions for Lambs. To be perfectly honest, I didn't like it. It wasn't that I was bored (my mom was), but it just didn't have enough happening. It switched back and forth between different conversations throughout most of it, and it became obvious after about ten minutes that it was a social and political commentary on the United States and its government. I hate the subject of politics to begin with, so this was a bit of a disappointment. On a positive note, the conversations were interesting (if not gripping), and the acting was quite good, especially that of Meryl Streep.

At Best Buy, I spoke with a guy who made my heart skip a beat, or two. Tall, athletic, with beautiful smiling eyes. Our short conversation about computer keyboards felt like flirting to me, which is a serious sign of a lack of a love life, but nonetheless made me smile for the next hour at least. I couldn't help watching him over the top of the video game shelves a few aisles over. And he was NOT wearing a wedding ring.

Now I'm trying to figure out what to do with my evening. Watch another movie, finish Life of Pi, or see if I can meet a friend out for a drink or two...?

Blogging Newbie

I'm not sure how long I'll stick to this blogging thing, as I don't tend to stick to one thing or another for very long, but I think it could be good for me! I was just telling a friend that I wish I could write something profound. I have so many jumbled, mixed up thoughts that I wish I could eloquently get onto paper.

Well, I can't. I know I can't. I am by no means a writer, although I'd like to someday be. But I do believe that writing is good for people, whether it's as a kind of emotional therapy or simply to improve writing skills. And on top of that, I recently read a bit of Metro Mama's blog (I met her on my recent trip through Italy), and she inspired me. If only I could write about everyday life in a way that makes it hard to stop reading.

Right now I'm off to try to search for my niece's 18K gold crucifix from Italy. She lost it in a friend's yard yesterday and my sister cried for two hours. Hopefully I'll have good news when I return!